Given your tolerance for a few variables, Chicago is a great city to live in. However, resting on top of our mid-western metropolis are bits of crap. I’m talking about inconsiderate people and their actions. I mean, we all try to be at least a little bit nice but the jackass things some people do can make you hope for a plague. You know, those moments that seem to happen a lot and you can’t understand why people haven’t figured out how annoying and wrong it is but they do it anyway? That’s what I’m talking about. They know it’s wrong to do what’s on this list, and we see these cases so much that it’s almost become cliché. That’s why I’m letting you know that it’s ok. It’s ok to say “fuck you”. So here we go: The top reasons for Chicagoans to say “FUCK YOU”.
#1 HOLDING UP TRAFFIC FOR 5 MINUTES TO MAKE A POORLY EXECUTED U-TURN: Seems like it’s always a Land Rover, BMW, Porche, or an Audi doing this. So is it that you don’t have time to drive a block and back track on a parallel street? Well check this out, NO ONE waiting behind you has time to wait on you. We all have places to be and you making a 4-point U-Turn cause you missed the Whole Foods on Lincoln is not cool. Move it along and stop holding up traffic.
#2 DISTRIBUTING FLIERS OR PAMPHLETS: Here is something that, I guess, everyone but the people giving out flyers or dropping pamphlets on your doorstep know: By giving me this, I instantly hate you and your company. Get your shit off my car, off my door knob, and out of my mailbox. Flier distribution is so popular at a corporate level that people are paid to secretly follow the distributors and make sure they actually hand them out instead of throw them in the trash. Cause who would just throw them away? All of us. I have a solution though. A law needs to be passed that will charge companies who hand out fliers fines for littering if their stuff is found on the street. This way we can throw every flier and mailer we get out on the street and watch our national deficit turn in to surplus from the BILLIONS of dollars in fine collection that will be made from what I will deem as “coupon confetti”.
#3 WOLF-PACKING ON THE LAKESHORE TRAIL: “Isn’t it such a nice day?” Sorta. Now get yourself and the 8 people you’re slowly walking with the fuck out of the way [Usted y su familia necesitan para hacer espacio para el resto de nosotros. No seas un idiota al respect]. Look, we all love going down to the lake, and everyone moves at their own pace. But just because you move at your own pace doesn’t mean the rest of us should have to move at your pace too. There is plenty of room off the narrowly paved paths to walk. So take it over there. Why can’t I? Cause fuck you, I’m riding my bike. If you’re going to bunch up, walk slow, and swerve all over the place then don’t make a big deal when someone almost hits you. Fact is, we wanted to hit you but the lawyers in this town are just too damn good. Also, to the guy who rents out the sedan-sized four person bikes to clueless tourists: fuck you.
#4 MOVE-IN FEE: Oh so you don’t charge a deposit, you just do a one-time move in fee. So with this move-in fee, does that mean you’re going to be moving my stuff for me and, you know, making it not be the most miserable day ever? No? Ok, fuck you. Usually we pay for things we want to do like roller coasters, concerts, sporting events, and donkey shows. So, why the hell should I pay you to move in to your place when I’m already paying you over-priced rent once a month? There’s no good reason for it and it’s a dick move.
– Parking in front of an open parking spot, still in the street, with your hazard lights on. Why?! There are two easy solutions. Either park in the open spot or get out of the way so someone else can park there. By blocking that spot you are being a douche twice over by not only blocking an open spot, but you’re also blocking an entire lane of traffic. “Oh people can just drive around”. No, I shouldn’t have to drive my car in to on-coming traffic to fit the needs of your life. Park or move. That’s how traffic works.
–Blocking an open spot with yourself or objects. You can rent a parking spot in a garage for $100-$150 a month. Try that instead of standing out in the street trying to convince a 50 year old handicapped lady that your boyfriend unloading laundry is more important than anything she’s got going on. It’s public parking. So no matter how bad the parking is in that neighborhood, or how long you spent shoveling snow out of that spot. If it’s empty it’s up for grabs. Even if you are the type of person that would do this, I’m willing to put money on the fact that if you came across someone else blocking a spot you’d say “fuck you”. To that I say “no no, fuck you.”
-Parallel parking and leaving half a cars distance off your front and rear bumper. Oh hell no, you don’t really think your 96’ Taurus is really entitled to more than one spot. It doesn’t matter how worried you are about your paint job, or how bad of a parker you think you are, this is not ok. Park like a competent human, because it took you a while to find that spot right? Well, it takes us all a long time to find a good spot and every time we drive by your shit park job it makes us want to kick a dent in your car more and more. I think destruction of personal property should be exempt in these cases.
#6 STOPPING HALF WAY DOWN THE C.T.A. STAIRS TO CHECK YOUR PHONE. “Hold up a sec hundreds of people that just got off the train, I gotta validate my self-esteem instead of being a good person.” Nothing on your phone is worth checking before taking the 10 seconds to get down the stairs. It should be fair game to push you down said stairs. Seriously, if you do this fuck you.
#7 TRYING TO SQUEEZE ON THE EL TRAIN BEFORE LETTING OTHERS OFF. Do these people seriously not know that it’s so much easier to get on the train when there’s not a pack of people trying to squeeze out the door? 5 seconds. That’s how long it takes to let the people off so you can get in and get that coveted single seat you want to bad (cause that pregnant lady behind you hasn’t earned shit). Folks that try to squeeze in before letting others off deserve an elbow to the face by the rest of us. Honorable mention: the douche who stands in the doorway at every stop instead of taking that half-step out to let others off. You just stand there and pretend to check your phone like you don’t know what you’re doing is wrong. You know it is, and you deserve an elbow to the face too.
#8 OBSTRUCTING BIKE LANES That bike lane isn’t some little playground thing the city painted on the streets for kicks and giggles. Don’t walk out from between parked cars without looking and cuss out a rider because you almost got hit. You just walked out in to a lane of traffic, and if you do get hit it’s going to hurt the guy or girl on the bike far worse than it will hurt you. Also, and I’m incredibly serious about this one, take the half second to check your rear-view before you open your door. Rarely do bikers get “doored” and walk away from it. They either spend the night in the hospital, or get killed by passing traffic. If you don’t care and think it’s up to the bike rider to avoid that, fuck you.
#9 STEALING BICYCLES AND BIKE PARTS: Walking out to find part of your bike or the whole thing missing is so common you can’t help but wonder if the bike stores are in on it. Here’s the thing though: most bike riders don’t have the money to get a new bike or new parts. Not saying that all bike riders a busted broke, but this stuff ain’t cheap. Losing a bike screws up how people get to work and live their lives. So cut that shit out.
#10 LOUD SMOKE BREAKS OUTSIDE THE BAR: Cigarettes kill you, but not fast enough if you’re the loud bitch talking as loud as you can outside an apartment at 2am on a Tuesday. No one cares about your middle school drama, and no one cares that you even exist right now. Talking louder won’t solve your problems. “Not my problem, don’t live next to a bar”. You kidding me? You have to know how difficult it is to find a decent place to live in this town and sometimes you have to make a compromise. You’re the compromise. You are the negative. We don’t care about you or how you “can’t believe he just said that” to you. Know what we do care about? Sleep. Shut up, go back inside, and be the girl he regrets taking home in the morning.
#11 CAB DRIVERS WHO MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT A CREDIT CARD: For this one we actually have a law that allows us to say “fuck you”. You know how long it takes to swipe a card? One fucking second. Take my card, swipe it, and let’s be on our way. Don’t pretend that it’s difficult, that you don’t know how to do it, or that the machine isn’t working. We know your tricks and we don’t want to deal with your shit. Don’t be an asshole when we try to pay with a card. If a cab driver does give you hell about it, throw it right back in their face.
–HONORABLE MENTION: These were too easy, we all have our reasons to say fuck you to the following: Chicago Department of Revenue, Wrigleyville people, Sox fans, people using the new El car seats as a couch, people on the sidewalk with clipboards “hi friend” “fuck you”, Mr. Sob Story on the train, racist guy on the bus, the “I don’t need to pick up after my dog” guy, people who drive under street lights with their hi-beams on, the cussing bike rider, bar blocker, and cabs who cut you off and then drives slow looking for a customer.
Yeah, there’s plenty more annoying things that people do all the time. If you think I left something out, leave it below.